LETTING GO OF RESENTMENT

Posted by Pastor Greg Allen on July 16, 2023 under 2023 |

Bethany Bible Church Sermon Message; July 16, 2023 from Ephesians 4:31-32

Theme: Freedom from resentment comes from allowing God to take it from us, and behaving like forgiven people instead.

(All Scripture is taken from The New King James Version, unless otherwise indicated).

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Over the past several weeks, we have been learning from some biblical examples of what life-transformation looks like. It’s good that we’ve been taking our time in doing so. After all, our Lord Jesus Christ is in the ‘life-transformation’ business; and if we’re following Him as we should, then we’ll find that He is constantly changing us into the people He wants us to be.

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Now; the way this all began for us was in Ephesians 4:20-24. The apostle Paul had been writing to his Christian brothers and sisters in Ephesus; and had been telling them about how they should no longer live the way that they used to live. He described the old sinful habits and practices that formerly characterized them; and then he told them,

But you have not so learned Christ, if indeed you have heard Him and have been taught by Him, as the truth is in Jesus: that you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness (Ephesians 4:20-24).

Paul was declaring that, if we have trusted Jesus as our Savior and have been redeemed by Him through faith, then we cannot remain as we once were. Real, significant life-transformation will be the normal, ongoing reality for any of us who are truly ‘in Christ’. And this transformation comes about by a three-fold process. First, we’re to ‘put off’ the old habits and practices—just like laying aside the old filthy clothes of our former ‘self’. Second, we’re to be ‘renewed in the spirit of our minds’ through the word of God—as the Holy Spirit brings scriptural truth to bear in our thinking. And third, we’re ‘put on’ the new habits and practices of a completely new ‘self’—made new in Christ Jesus. That’s how life-transformation in Christ happens.

And the apostle Paul then even goes on to give us five examples of what this three-fold process looks like in specific areas of life. So far, we’ve carefully considered four of these examples. In verses 25-30, Paul wrote;

Therefore, putting away lying, “Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor,” for we are members of one another. “Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil. Let him who stole steal no longer, but rather let him labor, working with his hands what is good, that he may have something to give him who has need. Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption (vv. 25-30).

Lying, anger, theft, corrupt speech—these are some of the sinful areas of life in which Jesus brings about a dramatic change in us. And this morning, we come to the fifth and final example that Paul gives. I would say that it’s the most important of them all; because it’s a sinful practice that often leads to many others. It has to do with the resentment that we may harbor in our hearts. In verses 31-32, Paul wrote;

Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you (vv. 31-32).

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Now; ‘resentment’ can be defined as an unresolved, smoldering ill-will that someone has over the perception that they had been treated unjustly by someone somehow—or that they had somehow been cheated by the circumstances of life—or that they had been dealt a ‘dirty deal’ by society—or that they had been made into a victim in some way. Paul, of course, doesn’t actually use the word “resentment” in our passage this morning. But I believe that when you put together the things that he listed—bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, evil-speaking, and malice—they certainly all fall under the broad category of harboring sinful ‘resentment’ in the heart.

And resentment is a powerful poison in the human soul. It has the capability of toxifying everything else in the life of the person in whom it is allowed to abide. According to the Lord Jesus, giving sinful expression to that kind of resentment is a very serious act that is worthy of eternal punishment. In the Sermon on The Mount, He said;

“You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder, and whoever murders will be in danger of the judgment.’ But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment. And whoever says to his brother, ‘Raca!’ shall be in danger of the council. But whoever says, ‘You fool!’ shall be in danger of hell fire” (Matthew 5:21-22).

And what’s more, resentment in one person has the capability of spreading its poison into the lives of others. In Hebrews 12:14-15, we’re told;

Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled (Hebrews 12:14-15).

Just a few days ago, Marilyn and I had a chance to visit a remarkable place—albeit, I think, a very somber one. We took a tour through the former federal penitentiary on Alcatraz Island in San Francisco Bay. From the 1930s to the 1960s, it had been the temporary home of some of the most dangerous men in 20th-century American history. And for me, the most sobering experience was walking down the aisles of the cell block and seeing the rows and rows of 5′ x 7′ prison cells where some of these dangerous men had spent years in confinement.

Knowing that I was going to be sharing from this morning’s passage, I wondered how many of those men might have ended up in those cells because of some kind of resentment that they had allowed to build up in their hearts. Did they go through all the different expressions of resentment—bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, evil-speaking—until it finally exploded into some act of malice that landed them in that dreadful place? And what would it have been like to cram several hundred bitter, angry, malicious men who were filled with resentment all next to one another in tiny cells? It seemed to me like an earthly version of hell.

And yet, I also wonder how many of us here today—sitting in this nice church building—are harboring some of the same kinds of resentment in our hearts that those men might have held onto. How many of us have allowed inner feelings of resentment to express themselves into action? By God’s grace, it may not have turned us into another ‘Al Capone’ or ‘Machine Gun Kelly’. But it has nevertheless toxified our souls … and if not taken away from us, may inevitably lead to open acts of malice that are similar to theirs.

Dear brothers and sisters; our Redeemer cannot feel at home in a heart that is filled with resentment. It must go, or He cannot live in us and work through us as He wishes. We must be transformed; and it must be done in God’s way. And this passage shows us how He does so. It shows us that freedom from resentment comes by allowing God to take it away from us … and by then behaving like truly forgiven people instead.

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Now; let’s begin by considering the things that the apostle Paul tells us characterize this internal poison called ‘resentment’. He mentions six specific things; and they are connected in such a way as to build one upon another.

The first three things that Paul mentions are ‘internal’ in nature. They are things that others may not see. But when they’re present in us, God knows … and so do we. The first is called “bitterness”. The word that Paul uses is one that describes that unpleasant ‘piercing’ taste that certain foods leave in our mouths—like when you drink a big gulp of orange juice right after brushing your teeth; or like the feeling that comes after eating something that turns your stomach sour. It’s the feeling that comes upon your soul when you think that you’ve been cheated in some way. Then, the second thing comes after it. It’s called “wrath”. The word that Paul used often described the process of burning an offering to an idol. And in this case, it’s used to describe a sudden outburst of emotion—a strong, hot, burning indignation. It’s the emotion that Paul warns us—in verse 26—not to ‘let the sun go down’ on. And the third thing follows from this. It’s called “anger”. It’s meant to describe the long, settled, agitated feeling that is the product of the unresolved bitterness and wrath. Bitterness leads to wrath; and wrath leads to anger; and they all three feed on one another. These constitute the inward dynamic of resentment. And if left unresolved, that resentment grows—and ends up expressing itself outwardly in harmful ways.

And that leads us to the outward expressions of resentment. Paul mentions another three of these. And while someone else may not be able to detect those first three things in us, everyone can plainly detect the next three. The first is called “clamor”; or as the New International Version translates it, “brawling”. It comes from the Greek word for “crying out”; and it describes a horrible kind of shouting match in which the inward resentment comes pouring out in the form of harsh, loud, angry words—as when someone really ‘cusses out’ someone else; loudly saying things that should never be said. The second of these external expressions follows from that, and is called “evil speaking”. The word that Paul used is one that’s already familiar to us. It’s the word for ‘blasphemy’ … except it isn’t necessarily a matter of speaking sinful words toward God. Rather, it’s name-calling and speaking railing and reproachful words against someone else who is made in God’s image. It would be the kind of thing that Jesus described in the passage we looked at earlier—calling someone “empty head” or “fool”. Jesus said that it’s a form of murder. And then—as if to give it a special kind emphasis—Paul adds “and all malice”; which is describing a ‘mean-spirited’ attitude of evil intent that essentially says, “I get even with you for this! I’ll make you pay! I’ll hurt you for what you’ve done to me!” (As I suggested to you earlier, I suspect a lot of men spent time on Alcatraz for giving way to this last thing.)

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So then; together, these things constitute both the inward experience and outward expression of a resentment that has been allowed to harbor in the human heart. It may be that as we’ve looked at these different things—and spelled them out one by one—you’ve come to the realization that you have some form of resentment in your heart right now.

And you want to get rid of it. In fact, you must! But how?

When I think of this passage, I always remember an experience I had with someone many years ago. He came to talk with me because he deeply resented his wife for—of all things—forcing him to marry her. “I just can’t forgive her for that!” he’d say. “I resent her for talking me into marriage with her; and I can’t get over it.” That was quite a problem!

I reminded him that he willingly said, “I do” at the marriage ceremony—and that he was now under obligation to her. But I also shared with him our passage this morning. I even asked him to take it home and memorize it. But a few weeks later, he came back to tell me that it wasn’t working. He still resented her, and had all those harsh feelings toward her; and try as hard as he could, he just couldn’t seem to get rid of them.

And that’s when I made an amazing discovery about this passage. I was so surprised by it that I went to the original language to confirm that it was so. And it is! Out of all those five examples of life-transformation, this is the only one that does not command us to ‘put off’ something. To ‘put off’ something would be an act in which we do something ‘actively’. But this is the only one that tells us to do something ‘passively’. We’re to ‘let’ these things be ‘taken’ from us. I had been telling this man to do something that he was not meant to do. Rather, what I should have been telling him was to allow something to be done to him.

Read the words of verse 31 again. In the New King James translation, it says, “Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.” And that’s exactly how it’s put in the original language of Paul’s words.

Who is it that takes these things away from us? It would have to be the Lord Jesus Himself—working in us through the indwelling ministry of the Holy Spirit. We cannot do it ourselves. We weren’t meant to. We only frustrate ourselves when we try. It has to be the Lord Jesus who takes these things away from us. As we surrender ourselves to Him, He progressively gets rid of the things in our hearts that He wants to see go … and we must allow Him to do it.

So then; how do we put this in the form of ‘putting off’ the old man? Though it may seem like an awkward way of putting it, I suggest that this means that we …

1. ‘PUT OFF’ HOLDING ON TO RESENTMENT.

Now; why would someone want to hold on to that resentment when the Lord wanted to take it away? I’m supposing that someone would hang on to resentment because it helps to justify something else. After all, if we truly allowed the Lord to take all of our resentment away from us, then we lose something that we may have been relying on as an excuse of some kind—either to justify us in doing something we shouldn’t do, or in not doing something we should do.

When I think of this, I remember the story, in John 5:1-10, of how the Lord Jesus healed the man by the Pool of Bethesda. Do you remember that story? Jesus had come to that pool in Jerusalem; and all around it was a multitude of people who were sick from various ailments—lying on beds and cots. They had a superstitious belief that—whenever the water was stirred—it was because an angel from heaven was stirring it; and that whoever then stepped into the water first would be healed.

The Lord Jesus walked up to a man who had a crippling infirmity for thirty-eight years; and asked him, “Do you want to be made well?” And it has always fascinated me that the man didn’t simply say, “Yes! Of course I do! Why do you think I’m lying here?” Instead, he said; “Sir, I have no man to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up; but while I am coming, another steps down before me.” But that wasn’t what Jesus had asked him. Jesus simply asked, “Do you want to be made well?” And in response, the man gave excuses.

I have often wondered if this unexpected encounter with Jesus had confronted the poor man with an act of grace for which he wasn’t really prepared. After all, he had been in this terrible condition, lying and waiting by the pool, for thirty-eight years. It was a familiar world to him. The fact that no one put him into the water had—to his mind—justified his lifestyle. But if he was suddenly made well; his entire life—and even his whole identity—would have to change. He couldn’t be ‘the man lying helplessly by the pool’ anymore. If he had a family, he would have to go back and take care of them and become an essential part of their life again. He’d have to take up his profession and work. There would be thirty-eight years of things that would have had to change.

Many other folks might have thought it over and said, “No, thank you.” But Jesus said to the man, “Rise, take up your bed and walk;” and he did so. Jesus took the man’s infirmity away; and the man allowed Jesus to do it … and did not resist.

Dear brothers and sisters; I hope I don’t sound too harsh in saying this. But the removal of resentment may involve a personal loss for us. It may take away some justifications we have felt, and some excuses we have used, for why our life is the way it is. But Jesus cannot be at home in us so long as that resentment is still there. It’s far better to let Him take those things from us—just as it was far better for the man to allow Jesus to take away his infirmity. And that’s what we must do. We must allow Jesus to take our resentment away … and not resist Him as He does so.

Name those things off to Jesus in prayer one by one—all bitterness; all wrath; all anger; all clamor; all blasphemy; all malice—and ask Him to take every bit of them away from you. When you feel those things rise up in you again, stop and ask Him to remove them again; and do not resist, and do not give up. He will do so … and He will make Himself ever increasingly at home in your heart.

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Now; do you remember that story I told about the man who came to me because he resented marrying his wife? He came back to me later and said, “I’ve tried giving my resentment to the Lord—and tried letting Him take it all away. But it still isn’t working!” In fact, I was even beginning to feel that he was starting to resent me for it!

And that’s when I made another important discovery about this passage. It goes on to tell us that it’s not enough to ‘put off’ resisting our Lord as He seeks to take our resentment away. In order to experience a complete freedom from resentment, we also have to ‘put on’ the behavior practices that He calls us to ‘put on’.

This leads us to the second thing we must do; and that is to …

2. ‘PUT ON’ GRACIOUS BEHAVIOR TOWARD THOSE WE RESENTED.

In verse 31, Paul wrote, “Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice.” But then, he wrote in verse 32, “And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another …” The old sinful habit of holding on to resentment toward someone needs to be replaced by putting on the behaviors that the Lord Jesus Himself would want us to show toward them.

Paul mentions three things to ‘put on’. First, he mentions ‘being kind to one another’. He puts this in terms of behavior we should show to each other in the church family. But I can’t help but believe it also applies to those who are outside the church family—that is, toward anyone against whom we had been holding on to resentment. To be “kind” to them means showing the sort of behavior toward them that even our heavenly Father shows—who, as Jesus tells us, “makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust” (Matthew 5:45). Second, Paul mentions ‘being tenderhearted’ toward them. This simply means that we’re not stone-faced and tightened up toward them when we see them coming. We don’t duck behind the aisle when we see them at the store. Rather, we’re to be warm and friendly and courteous to them; and even open toward them if they want to come and talk with us. And thirdly, Paul urges us to be “forgiving” toward them. This might seem very hard—especially in cases when someone actually has done wrong to us … and they won’t admit it or do not feel the need to apologize for it. I think it helps to know that this is not the normal word for “forgive”. Rather, it means something more along the lines of being ready to ‘grant free favor and grace’ to them. If they ever want to apologize to us, we also will very much want that. But if they won’t apologize, we will still let go of any resentment toward them … and will demonstrate a gracious spirit toward them … and will gladly wait on God’s timing with a readiness to forgive.

Paul tells us to ‘put on’ these things. And I almost want to speak of it in what seems to be a kind of play on words. We don’t always want to be kind, tenderhearted, or forgiving; and sometimes, it will feel as if we were play-acting—as if we actually were “putting it on”. But I think it helps to recognize that these are actions that really don’t have much to do with how we might feel. Rather, they’re acts of obedience that are in line with what it says in Ephesians 5:1-2;

Therefore be imitators of God as dear children. And walk in love, as Christ also has loved us and given Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma (Ephesians 5:1-2).

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Now; we don’t do these things because we necessarily feel them. We do them because we have been shown the same kind of grace by our Lord that He is calling upon us to show to others. This involves ‘the renewing of the spirit of our mind’. At the end of verse 32, Paul writes, “even as God in Christ forgave you.”

And that leads us to the third thing we must do; and that is that we must …

3. ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW MUCH WE HAVE BEEN FORGIVEN IN CHRIST.

If anyone had a right to hold on to resentment toward anyone, it would be our heavenly Father toward us. We have sinned against Him in ways that are immeasurably greater than how anyone else might have sinned against us. Our offenses to Him are greater than any offenses that have ever been done to us. And yet, He has granted all free favor and grace to us—forgiving us completely through the blood of His Son Jesus. He holds no resentment toward us whatsoever. How can we not do the same toward others?

Jesus told a parable to illustrate this. It’s in Matthew 18:21-35. We’re told;

Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven. Therefore the kingdom of heaven is like a certain king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. And when he had begun to settle accounts, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. But as he was not able to pay, his master commanded that he be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and that payment be made. The servant therefore fell down before him, saying, ‘Master, have patience with me, and I will pay you all.’ Then the master of that servant was moved with compassion, released him, and forgave him the debt. But that servant went out and found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii; and he laid hands on him and took him by the throat, saying, ‘Pay me what you owe!’ So his fellow servant fell down at his feet and begged him, saying, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you all.’ And he would not, but went and threw him into prison till he should pay the debt. So when his fellow servants saw what had been done, they were very grieved, and came and told their master all that had been done. Then his master, after he had called him, said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?’ And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him. So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses” (Matthew 18:21-35).

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Now; do you remember that man who resented his wife? Well; I’m sorry to say that the marriage didn’t survive. He persisted in his resentment toward her. And though it’s true that I don’t have the ability to look into anyone’s heart, I’d have to say that he didn’t show the evidence of having fully embraced God’s forgiveness through Jesus Christ. It’s a hard thing to say; but if someone unrepentantly holds on to resentment—and does not let go of it when the Lord is seeking to take it away—I’d have to wonder whether or not they’ve really experienced His forgiveness at all.

Dear brother or sister; have we personally come to terms with the forgiveness of our sins that God the Father has provided for us at the cross? Do we recognize how much it cost the Father to forgive us … and that He was glad to do so; and that Jesus willingly paid the price to reconcile us to the Father? If so, then we are obligated to let the Lord Jesus take all resentment from us; and learn to forgive others because we ourselves have been forgiven.

That’s how freedom from resentment happens. It happens by allowing the Lord to take it fully away from us … and by then behaving like truly forgiven people instead.

AE