CHRIST-LIKE FAMILY CARE – Colossians 3:18-21

Posted by Pastor Greg Allen on May 22, 2013 under AM Bible Study |

AM Bible Study Group; May 22, 2013

Colossians 3:18-21

Theme: In these four verses, God teaches us how we’re to treat one another in our family relationships.

(Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture references are taken from The Holy Bible, New King James Version; copyright 1982, Thomas Nelson, Inc.)

Jesus Christ desires to be the Lord over every area of our lives; and one of the most crucial areas of our lives over which He wishes to exercise His right of Lordship is our relationships with the people most closest to us—the members of our own family.

God designed ‘family’ as a source of happiness (Psalm 127:3-5; 128:1-4). Unfortunately, it seems that the source of the greatest pain and sadness in the lives of many people is in the area of their family relationships. The famous Russian novelist Leo Tolstoy began his masterpiece, Anna Karenina, with this observation: “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” And perhaps there’s something significant to be learned in this observation. Perhaps unhappy families appear to be miserable in different ways because sinful behavior patterns—and the damages those patterns bring about—take on a variety of forms. And perhaps families that are fundamentally happy appear to be alike because they follow God’s ordained pattern for family happiness.

The apostle Paul gives us a brief summary of God’s pattern for family happiness in this morning’s passage.

I. THE WIFE TOWARD HER HUSBAND (v. 18).

A. Paul says, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.” The word that Paul uses is one that means “to place under” or “arrange under” someone else. It’s a word that was sometimes used in military settings to refer to how one officer ranked beneath the authority of another. It means that the wife is to subordinate herself under her own husband’s role in the home. This, of course, in no way implies inferiority of personhood. Rather, it speaks of the order to be followed in headship and leadership.

B. This command is often greeted with suspicion and fear in our culture. Many openly oppose it— largely because they misunderstand it. But several important things should be noted:

1. This command does not say that all women are to be subordinated to all men in all relationships. The context of this verse requires that we understand it to be speaking of a woman being subordinated to only one man’s headship authority—that of her own husband.

2. There is an important motivation that stands behind this command—that the woman submit “as is fitting in the Lord”. This is speaking to a woman who has, first, submitted herself to the Lord Jesus Christ and has given herself to Him by faith. It is modeled after the way the church is to submit to Christ’s headship over her (see Ephesians 5:21-24).

3. Finally, God also commands the woman’s husband to be the sort of man that she can safely be subordinated to. Her submission is not to be conditioned on his character; but the Bible nevertheless commands him to be someone to whose authority it would be a pleasure and joy to submit. In Ephesians 5, the husband is given the command to love his own wife as Jesus loves His own Bride. He’s to give himself over to the task of ministering tenderly and lovingly to his wife, so that she can become everything God wants her to be (See Ephesians 5:25-29).

II. THE HUSBAND TOWARD HIS WIFE (v. 19).

A. Paul writes, “Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them.” The Greek word that Paul used for this love is agape—the sort of love that is willing to give of one’s self in order to seek the good of the one loved; the sort of love that moves someone to lay down his own rights, and disregard his own needs, in order to meet the needs of another. As Ephesians 5 tells us, this is how Jesus loves His church—sacrificing Himself for her; laying down His own life in order to save her; seeking her purity; cleansing her of that which defiled her; continually pursuing that which will make her glorious and beautiful, so that she will be able to present her to Himself in radiant splendor—a delight to Himself forever; giving Himself over to nourishing her and cherishing her as much as He would nourish and cherish His own body. The husband is to love his own wife in the same way as Jesus loves His church.

B. The instruction to the husband include more than just the command to love his wife. In fact, if you look closely, you’ll see that both of the instructions to men in these four verses include a prohibition—a command of what he is not to do. Here, along with the command to love his wife, he’s commanded not to be “bitter” toward her. Many men meet their wife’s material needs; but do so in a harsh and bitter and resentful way—speaking unkindly toward her; or being critical of her; or overly demanding toward her; or simply withdrawing emotionally from her. This is not the way Jesus treats His bride. For a husband to be bitter toward his wife is to invite the discipline of the Lord on his life. The apostle Peter said, “Husbands, likewise, dwell with [your wives] with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered” (1 Peter 3:7).

III. THE CHILDREN TOWARD THEIR PARENTS (v. 20).

A. Paul goes on to write; “Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is well pleasing to the Lord.” Elsewhere in Scripture, Paul connects this instruction to the fifth commandment: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother,’ which is the first commandment with promise: ‘that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth’” (Ephesians 6:1-3). The first place we learn obedience in God’s kingdom is in the home, and under the authority of our mothers and fathers. It’s where obedience to God is taught. (See also Hebrews 12:9-10).

B. Notice that children are to obey their parents “in all things”. So long as children are under the roof of their parents, they are to submit to their parents authority in every area. They’re to do this as if they were obeying God; because, in a very real sense, they are. The Bible tells us that all authority in human relationships has its beginning point in the authority of God (see Romans13:1-2). True authority always comes from the top down. And the most primary position of authority God ever places us under is that of parents. A child that would be in obedience to God must be obedient to parental authority. And if a child disobeys them, he or she literally rebels against the appointment of God. Such obedience to parents “is pleasing to the Lord”, and is in conformity with His own example—both with respect to His earthly parents (see Luke 3:51) and His heavenly Father (John 5:30; John 6:38; John 8:29).

IV. THE FATHER TOWARD HIS CHILDREN (v. 21).

A. Paul writes, “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” Paul speaks to “fathers” in particular, rather than “parents” in general, because God’s design is that fathers be the primary care-giver and spiritual leader in their homes. The close supervision of, and loving connection with, godly fathers is God’s main provision for keeping kids from being eaten alive by the world’s sinful agenda.

B. But it’s important that this be done rightly. This second of the only two commands to men in this passage includes another prohibition—not to “provoke” children (or “exasperate” them, as it is in the NASB; or “embitter” them, as it is in the NIV); lest they discourage or cause them to lose heart, get angry and frustrated, and want to give up. As Paul wrote elsewhere, “And you fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).

1. One way it happens is when fathers are not consistent before them in the way they live—by fathers punishing them if they lie, then turning around and lying; by fathers sending them out of the room as they watch something sexually explicit on TV that they don’t want them to see; by fathers grouching and growling at them, and then telling them to be nice to their brother or sister; in short, by fathers expecting them to be what they refuse to be themselves.

2. Another way is when fathers don’t keep their promises to their children—whenever they tell them that they’re going to take them somewhere and do something special with them, but then break their promise because something ‘more important’ came up; whenever fathers tell them that they can come and talk to them any time they want, but then getting angry when they intrude on their time; by (and this may hurt) fathers promising to always be there for them, but then we divorce their mothers and breaking up their family. The generation that has now reached adulthood is the most jaded and bitter generation toward ‘family’ that we’ve ever known; and it may well be because no generation has seen as many broken promises as this one has.

3. Yet another way fathers can provoke their children is when they aren’t fair in the way they administer discipline to them—by fathers treating them one way, but treating their brother or sister another way; or by showing favoritism and pitting one child against another; by fathers promising to punish bad behavior and reward good behavior, and then not doing what they said they’d do; or by fathers changing the rules without warning; or by fathers humiliating them or disrespect them as persons in front of their friends; or by fathers being cruel in their discipline of them, and withhold from them things they need for health and well-being as a form of punishment; or (quite the opposite) by fathers pampering them and give them everything they want in a pathetic attempt to win their love—by any of these ways, fathers can plant the seeds of embitterment in their children.

C. The first place our kids learn about what God is like is through what their fathers are like. Fathers instill an idea into their children, at a very early age, of what kind of a Father God is. If a father has failed in that role to properly and accurately model God to their children—and which father hasn’t to some degree?—then they may still be able to teach their children what a difference God is able to make in their lives by the way He humbles us, forgives us, and changes us into what He wants us to be.

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A happy family isn’t an accident. It comes as a result of following God’s rules. May God help us to keep His instructions for Christ-like family care; and may we treat one another in our families as He has commanded us. If we do; we will greatly improve the possibility that we’ll experience the sort of joy and fulfillment He has designed for us to enjoy in our families.